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Being human

Revealing autism

Autism and trauma

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Finding an autisitc person without trauma is rare. Autisitc people predisposed to a life of ridicule, bullying and abuse, so how can autisitc people not have trauma.

Trauma in autistic adults is often overlooked because it presents differently than in non-autistic people even though it is common for autistic people to have other mental health conditions.

I have crippling general and social anxiety and panic attacks at times. I belive I have undiagnosed C-PTSD due to the repeated riducule and abuse thoughout my life for being autisitc. I have also expeinced life changing loss and tradegy on top of that. Complex trauma manifesed for being repeatdly abused for being unknowingly autisitc.

I was ridiculed most of my life for my autistic traits and my mother spent decades emotionally and physically abusing me for it. Autism has been the root cause of the abuse I have received, thus developing in extreme general and social anxiety. Some will develop complex trauma but most will most will at least develop an anxiety disorder for repeated trauma, Complex trauma should not be classed as a disorder when this is an expected response to ongoing traumatic experiences. There are many conditions that should have disorder removed when they are natural responses to trauma.

Another issue I have seen is it seems sometimes whatever the initial diagnosis is seems to cloud clinicians seeing co-occurring conditions. For instance when autism is diagnosed, trauma goes unnoticed and when trauma is diagnosed autism goes unnoticed. Too many assumptions get made, and why late diagnosis is so common coupled with the extent of people trying to cover up their autisitc traits.

Personal trauma

As a child and adult, I was constantly abused from my mother, authority figures and other people who abused, gaslighted and ridiculed me for decades for being unknowingly autistic.

Family

I grew up in an abusive environment, receiving abuse from my mother and society for being autistic. I do not feel upset when I talk about my childhood, so it is likely I have disassociated from it.

The abuse from my mother was hidden to others so if I tried to tell anyone they shut me down in disbelief, because as far as they were concerned, they were a nice person. For a long time, I made excuses for my father for not doing anything about it but stopped that because he was an enabler of this abuse by not protecting me from it. My escape was when I was able to move out of home to start my nursing training and live on quarters. Unfortunately, we had to go home on the weekends. In my first year of nursing my mother had a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage so the physical abuse backed off.

We went on to be estranged for several years at a time. My brother died in 1984 from a car accident. My father died in 2011 at the age of 80 and he was not in communication with me prior to his death. He wasn't in contact if my mother was not, nor did she inform me that he had died. At the time of my mother's death at 87 years old in 2022 we had not communicated for about 17 years. I was not told by anyone that she had died. I found out through the internet about a year after both my parent's deaths.

When my mother died It was like a person had died that I knew in the past and did not feel much for. I do not think I ever loved them. I had no reason to considering the treatment I received from them. I got along with my father but given they did nothing about the abuse, I never felt safe at home, and I often wished someone would come and take me away from them.

I learned from a young age it was not safe to be me, so I needed to find a way to try and be like other people for survival. This was probably the start of my masking journey. However, it only worked sometimes as I could not keep it up and was poor at it, so it did not protect me very much from harm. I was terrified of my mother and felt helpless as they were so unpredictable. I tried ways to please them, but it only made it worse, so I began to dissociate from the reality of it.

My mother often hit me around the head and face, called me cruel names and told me I would never amount to much. I remember being beaten by my mother with an electric jug chord. When she was in rage, she would often use household items like a jug chord or a broomstick. I do not remember all the details, because I often disassociated and tried to leave my body when the abuse happened. I do remember barely being able to move my arm for at least a week. After an abusive outburst she would often say, do you want a cup of tea, or take me shopping like nothing had even happened.

My father never asked me what happened to my arm and pretended there was nothing wrong. Out of guilt they would sometimes try to comfort me if they could do it without my mother's knowledge, as they feared the consequences if they were to find out. I often said to my father, you know something is very wrong with them, but they never did anything about it. My mother also abused my father at times. My brother was their favourite so escaped this abuse which I was grateful for. It still affected them as my brother felt a lot of hatred towards my mother.

I had panic attacks and meltdowns when I was experiencing any type of sensory overload like loud noise, lighting, yelling, fire alarm bells etc. I was often abused by teachers or others for not listening when I was trying to disconnect from the sensory issues I was experiencing in the environment, thus, to self-regulate. If I rocked, repeated words, or flapped my hands, I was yelled at and told to stop it. It was very traumatising when other's behaved cruel towards me when I could not cope with a sensory triggering environment.

Both my parents were not emotionally available or affectionate, nor did they hug us, and we were never told we were loved. For the most part I accepted this as I didn’t like being hugged most of the time due to sensory issues. I believe my father was autistic, as we were similar in many ways and shared a lot of the same autistic traits. My father was not bothered by my autistic traits, probably because they shared so many of them with me. While I believe my mother may have been autistic, they were very intolerant of my undiagnosed autism, and probably had a personality disorder of sorts.

Life

One of my school teachers often made me sit in front of the class with a book on my head or put my nose in a ring on the blackboard. Walking home kids would call me names and throw stones at me.

My sensory issues are often extreme and contribute to my chronic anxiety. I startle very easily and are traumatised when getting a fright. Causes for this are being touched without warning, being approached when I am unaware of someone being there, someone waving their hands around my face or head, and any noise I do not expect from outside or inside my environment.

I have reoccurring intrusive thoughts around fire alarms, loud noises, and unidentified noises. If the fire alarm goes off in my apartment, I experience intense anxiety, panic, and urgent toiletry needs. After the alarm has stopped, I can still hear it in my head sometimes for days and fear the alarm will go off again soon. I get this with other sensory traumas as well. I just cannot get them out of my head for days on end. Other noises I hear can also remind me of being traumatised and trigger me thinking they are about to happen again.

When I was in 26, I experienced 3 traumas close together in the same year. My brother was killed in a car accident, my five-year relationship and engagement ended, my grandfather died two weeks after my brother’s death and a pedestrian was killed when they ran out in front of my car. As a result, I had a breakdown.


I also do scripting which are both traits and symptoms of both PTSD and autism. I may repeat words someone said to me to hear them back to try and understand what they mean. I also script a pre-planned dialogue I have worked out before a conversation about something important I will be speaking about to someone. I will especially do this if seeing a doctor, dentist or other appointments and engagements.

I experience many other symptoms with my autism, general and social anxiety, which also overlap with some C-trauma symptoms. These are: Shame, guilt, low self-esteem, problems with self-regulation, difficulty maintaining relationships and why I choose not to have friends anymore, misunderstandings, demand avoidance, very easily startled, avoiding people, intrusive thoughts, avoidance behaviours, decades of poorly trying to mask autistic traits, restrictive eating, irritability, lack trust in people and difficulty concentrating.

I also experience hypervigilance, palpitations, tremors, panic attack, nausea, digestive issues, and a constant feeling of uneasiness that I do not understand. I often have anxiety filled dreams where I feel panic and wake up from the dream but do not remember what the dream was about.


I am vegan, exercise daily, don't drink, or smoke. I practice meditation, and mindfulness which I've done for decades. I have substantial support needs that are not being met due to different factors and reasons. I am trying to navigate what would help improve my quality of life. I have difficulty trusting other people because of my past experiences. I am not one for dwelling in the past. However, my anxiety sits in the future, thus will I be okay, how will I take care of myself, and will I have a roof over my head and why I hope I die before my spouse.

I live in a city and in an apartment block. I do not have much interaction with the outside world and only leave the house once a week or fortnight to do a little shopping. I keep to myself when out and are pretty much nonverbal due to situational mutism. I wear earphones, and tinted glasses because of the lighting issues, and often wear an autistic ID card saying nonverbal.

I would like to live in a more reclusive area, but my spouse does not want to live too away from people. They are introverted and barley leave the house given their lung condition, but they like to know people are close by, whereas I am fine with that. I used to stay home 24 7 and get everything delivered but now I do merge out briefly once a week or two to shop. However, I am sensory overloaded after I come home so are reducing these outings to less often.

I have tried a lot of therapies in the past all while not knowing I was autistic with complex mental health issues. I have exhausted all the typical drugs and CBT does not work for me which is not unusual for autistic people. I am on an anxiety medication now I can take a couple of times a week as I am very sensitive to medication and get a lot of side effects. I also take medication for pain and sleep and have many taking the same dose for 15 plus years. I do not get addicted to medication thus never feel the need to take more and more.

The most help I have got is from unconventional methods and self-help. I do not want to talk about them as many dismiss spirituality and alternative healing therapies. If it was not for the spiritual path (non-religious) I have been on for many decades, I would not be here today, given I have had suicidal ideations all my life.

I started to develop suicidal ideations as a child when my mother started to abuse me for being different. I was constantly told I was not normal and did not behave like other children. They were talking about my undiagnosed autism. The most that helps me now is staying away from the outside world as much as I can which is the most comforting. In many ways I think my diagnosis being so late, I am at a point in my life that many therapies that would have helped in the past are little too late. I do not mean nothing can help me but rather that these things are no longer the help I need.

Situational mutism

Situational mutism is an anxiety disorder where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations despite being able to speak in others.

Selective mutism and situational mutism are often used interchangeably, but the only official term is selective mutism. People want this changed to situational mutism because they feel selective implies it is a choice. This condition usually starts in early childhood and can continue into adulthood if not treated and even then, the person may still not be able to be verbal in all situations.

People with selective mutism may look frozen or have a blank look on their face when they are expected to respond. They might be able to speak to family and friends they know well but have difficulty speaking in other environments or with people they hardly know. Selective mutism can co-occur with complex trauma and studies have shown there is a link between trauma and selective mutism, and that people with complex trauma may be at more risk for developing selective mutism.

People with autism are more prone to developing selective mutism due to the social anxiety and communication issues they experience with their autism. Selective mutism can be found across all levels of autism, but it is more frequently observed in those with Level 2 and Level 3 autism. Selective mutism is primarily considered an anxiety disorder, so it can be directly linked to general anxiety disorder and social anxiety. Disorder. It can also be influenced by complex trauma and autism, Autism alone does not cause selective mutism, but there is a significant overlap between the two conditions.


When I was a child, I rarely spoke at school for the first few years and after that barely until I got to secondary school. Even then if I was asked questions I would freeze, go blank and could not speak. At school and even when I was in nursing school I would hold on when I needed to go to the toilet so I wouldn’t have to ask if I could leave the room.

I had the same issue in school and nursing lectures where I would no ask questions for the same reason. It still happens to me which is why I prepare extensive notes or article type pieces when I am being assessed for something or where I need to provide a lot of information. I think it was probably first noticed by my family when I was taken out of the home at about age 2 and when I was sent to kindergarten. My parents were told I was very nervous, shy and withdrawn, and when spoken to I would only nod my head or yes and no and point to things rather than speak.

When I leave the house these days I don’t speak in many circumstances and usually nod my head and use other gestures liking pointing to things rather than talk as I become overwhelmed in busy surroundings and cannot talk properly. I choose not to speak because many times I become mute anyway and unable to speak or when I do, I cannot put words together properly. My spouse will tell you I can have highly intelligent philosophical conversations at home and when I am out of the house, I will present the opposite.

I have less meltdowns if I don’t try speaking when I go out of the house, otherwise it triggers high anxiety, and I cannot speak well enough for people to understand me at times. When I am quite dysregulated this happens to me in my home sometimes at times so I need to become non-verbal until I can regulate.

I think being non-verbal is connected to my autism, general and social anxiety and trauma. I mean how can I separate them because anxiety and trauma came from being abused for being autistic. Essentially, I feel it is a trauma response because over the years I have been unable to speak in more environments that I could speak in before.

I need to script before known upcoming appointments or other interactions, because I can become non-verbal when I am experiencing high levels of anxiety or feeling overwhelmed. If I am being abused in any way, I cannot advocate for myself, and often unable to speak or will not vocally make much sense when I do. If someone yells at me or mistreats me, I cannot speak, so I guess this is trauma induced selective mutism which is probably tied to the physical and emotional abuse I have received throughout my life, and from childhood where it all started in the home.

Public perception

The DSM-5 fails to see how complex trauma presents in autism. C-PTSD does not include a diagnosis in the DSM-5, but it does exist in the ICD-11 5. However, like the original DSM it relies on symptoms.

Complex trauma in autistic people can exacerbate autistic traits to the point where it can cause further regression of skills and communication. I certainly know this is the case for me in relation to the trauma I experienced in masking my autistic traits my whole life, and then experienced autistic regression when I began to reveal them. Trying to hide my autism was debilitating, exhausting and took a large tole on my mental health which I have not recovered from as yet.

The lines can be blurry when an autistic person is also experiencing Complex trauma symptoms because they overlap with autism, and probably why C-trauma is not reported as much as it should be in autistic people. Clinicians need to stop making assumptions when interviewing autistic people, and not defaulting to neurotypical terms and methods, as they will continue to miss the red flags. CBT is often an approach and does not work for many autistic people, and that was certainly the case for me as well.

Social skills can be confusing for autistic people which is why they are also more likely to experience bullying and abuse. Being autistic already makes a person more vulnerable to trauma thus making them predisposed to a lifetime of harm. An autistic brain does not process information as easily as non-autistic people which is another factor in making them more vulnerable to C-trauma. Autistic brains seem to hold on to trauma which also makes them more likely to experience complex trauma.

Autistic people can be traumatised by many things that non-autistic people are not, so how can many people who are autistic not also have C-trauma. They have been traumatised by noise, sensory issues, and abused by society just for being autistic. The fact that autistic people are bullied, made fun of, excluded, and misunderstood more than non-autistic people, and that they are more sensitive to these things, explains to me why C-trauma in autistic people would be common yet often goes unnoticed.

Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, violence, natural disasters, and war are all common causes of post traumatic stress in the general population. Of course, these things could and do cause post traumatic stress in autistic people as well. However, autistic people also experience trauma from things like fire alarms, filling out paperwork and attending appointments, or even a stranger’s offensive comment can also cause instability in an autistic person, thus they can be easily traumatised by other people’s behaviour towards them.

Autistic people are more easily startled and more likely to have insomnia which can make them more prone to anger, and anxiety or have greater difficulty concentrating than may be seen in typical forms of C-trauma. Good REM sleep is important for all of us to process trauma. Autistic people tend to wake from a dream so they do not process their memories during dreams which makes them more likely to be more traumatised as a result.

Adults with undiagnosed and diagnosed autism are 4 times more likely to be diagnosed with C-trauma than adults without autism. Traumatic events for autistic people may not automatically lead to C-trauma but at the very least they will be associated with other anxiety disorders and depression.

Disclaimer: The writings in this article are for general education and entertainment purposes only and do not replace professional advice. All views are my own opinions, observations, and personal lived experiences. For professional advice please seek help from a qualified provider.

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