Autism assessment

As a child, I was sensitive, anxious, and frequently ill with IBS, food sensitivities, and tonsillitis.

I have spent most of my life trying to suppress my autistic traits. Sensory overload has always been debilitating, and from my teens to early 30s, I smoked cigarettes ,used alcohol and drugs to cope with social anxiety and unresolved trauma. I worked as a nurse for 20 years, constantly overwhelmed by loud noises, smells, and fluorescent lights, unaware that these sensory issues were linked to autism. At 27, I suffered a major breakdown and battled with ongoing suicidal ideation. I now recognise that autism and trauma played a big part in fuelling these struggles.

I enjoy lining up objects as a way of recognising patterns. Routine is very important for me, and any disruption can lead to dysregulation or even a meltdown. As a vegan, I prefer a consistent diet, and as a child, I struggled with foods I couldn’t tolerate.

As a child, I wasn’t interested in toys or dolls and was mostly nonspeaking in preschool and primary school. My father told me I would fixate on a word and repeat it or make up my own words for things. I often pointed to things instead of speaking and was unresponsive to my name. My spouse says I still point to things and leave out context when using pronouns like 'this'.

It was hard to get me to school if everything was not right. For instance, if I got dirt on my clothing or my socks would not stay up and were uneven, or lunch was not how I liked it, I got anxious and would not walk out the door. School was difficult for me. Sensory overload, such as noisy classrooms or uncomfortable clothing, would cause anxiety, making it hard to concentrate. I performed better at home, without distractions.

Teachers often ridiculed me for being distracted and socially withdrawn. One teacher often made me sit in front of the class with a book on my head, or put my nose in a ring on the blackboard. School reports indicated I was uninterested, unfocused, and avoided group activities. I failed a major nursing exam due to sensory overload and anxiety, but my tutor, sensing I could pass, allowed me to retake it, which I aced.

Eye contact has always been an issue, and I struggle with cameras and flashlights, often triggering migraines, and meltdowns. I tried to force eye contact but was accused of staring, so I began looking at people's mouths instead, which is likely how I learned to lip-read.

I avoid small talk and wear earphones to block out unwanted noise. I’m sensitive to unexpected physical proximity and get overwhelmed in noisy, crowded places. I prefer clear, direct communication, having spent much of my life being misunderstood or dismissed for my reactions to light, noise, perfumes and other smells.

Being socially anxious and awkward, I’ve tried to suppress my autistic traits, making it hard to maintain friendships. I’ve learned it’s better for my mental health not to pursue friendships, as I’ve often been rejected for being my real self. In social settings, I find it difficult to know when to speak, which triggers social anxiety. As a result, I avoid group settings and prefer one-on-one interactions.

I wear only blue, black, grey, and white clothes and always cut the tags off clothing. I struggled with clumsiness as a child and couldn’t tie my shoes without difficulty. I still concentrate to tie them properly and often drop things or have trouble with fine motor skills like pinching and gripping objects.

Dyspraxia has had a significant impact on my life, making coordination difficult. Activities like skipping, hopping, or standing on one leg are challenging. I often need to look at my feet to avoid tripping, and I’ve broken several bones due to poor coordination and suffered concussion on a couple of occasions. I also get a lot of bruises and do not know how they happened.

My self-regulation involves stimming behaviors like gentle rocking, patting my head or chest, pacing, or finger twiddling. I’ve never been drawn to stim toys. I often ask questions when I don’t understand something, but if people respond impatiently, I may pretend to understand.

I’ve struggled with facial expressions, often misunderstood or laughed at for my lack of alignment between expression and feeling. I was sent out of class for this in school, where I became the subject of jokes. Interruptions also confuse me, and I have trouble recalling what I was doing if interrupted. Repetition helps me remember instructions, but I still find it hard to switch tasks and struggle with flexibility in routines.