Getting help

I am a retired autistic elder with many co-occurring conditions. I worked in the healing and mentoring industry for decades before retiring.

True compassion is the realisation we are one with all beings. Through compassion towards one another we can heal and alleviate much of the suffering of humanity. As individuals we can begin to heal complex mental health issues, grief, and trauma with self-compassion, and compassionate therapies that ask the right questions at the right time. We may then better understand who we are and why we are where we are now. A lot of well meant advice or good intentions can have bad outcomes or be harmful when it doesn’t come from wisdom.

Coaches are not therapists and should not be put in the same basket, as they are two different paradigms. Coaching is action-based and focuses on being accountable and willing to take responsibility for our actions, rather than healing. Life coaches claim to empower others to take control of their lives and find strategies to reach their goals. We can’t empower others, we empower ourselves, Many autistic people need healing rather than coaching, and there are many avenues they can take which doesn't involve focusing on goals as the one size fits all approach that life coaches offer.

Many conventional therapies use psychology and techniques that do not work for autistic people, and non-autistic people for that matter. Clinicians often default to these strategies because they do not really understand a neurodivergent brain and how it presents trauma, and emotions. This is also why complex trauma and other mental health conditions are not recognised in autistic people because they present differently than in neurotypicals. The conventional approach of coached and therapists is a on size fits all toolkit modelled on neurotypical people.

I have also seen neurodivergent therapists who say they understand their fellow peers but then default to this system, because they have been trained and have their qualifications from neurotypical methods. This is why I say, don’t assume because a therapist or clinician is neurodivergent, they will be able to help you. Being neurodivergent isn’t enough. For instance, we may be autistic, but that doesn’t mean we understand or know how to help other neurodiverse people.

Being autistic doesn’t mean we can automatically help other autistic people either. If an autistic person wants to help others in a professional role, they will need to have evolved to a place of wisdom. Unless we can understand our own suffering, we will not have the wisdom to help others. Just like being a great guitarist doesn’t mean we can teach others how to play. Many people mistake knowledge for wisdom. Unless transformation is gained from knowledge there will be no wisdom, and without wisdom, there is no right use of knowledge.

Goal orientated work often creates more stress and demand avoidance in autistic people. A gentler approach can be better to live a meaningful life, especially when it involves trauma and complex mental health issues. Some may also benefit from a mentoring approach as its more nurturing and allows time and space to evolve. This can be with someone we know who has a lot of life experience and wisdom, so it doesn't have to be from a professional. Mentoring and coaching are not the same thing just as they are not therapy. Mentoring does not involve pushing and goal orientated homework.

I have also seen neurodivergent therapists who say they understand their fellow peers, but then default to a neurotypical system because they have qualifications from neurotypical methods. This is why I say, don’t assume because a therapist or clinician is neurodivergent, they will be able to help you. Being neurodivergent isn’t enough. For instance, we may be autistic, but that doesn’t mean we understand or know how to help people with any other neurodivergence.

If a therapist wants to help others in a professional role, they will need to have wisdom. Unless we can understand our own suffering, we will not have the wisdom to help others. Many people mistake knowledge for wisdom. Unless transformation is gained from knowledge there will be no wisdom, and without wisdom, there is no right use of knowledge. Without this we are just textbook consultants and therapists thinking our qualifications are the authority. This arrogance is why some people in all these types of industries are incompetent and out of their depth.

We all need to discern what we really need for ourselves and not follow others. We don’t just go to a coach if therapy isn't working out too well. They are totally different avenues of help, and some people have mental health issues that can’t be dealt with by seeing a coach. Coaching isn’t helpful for many autistic people as it's built on a model for non-autistic people.