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Devaki Sokaris

Contemplating life

Right relationships

People place a lot of importance in relationships, and many may come into our life with expectations, demands, neediness and selfishness.

Relationships can go through difficult times and will not always flow with harmony. Learn from them rather than have expectations of what, and how long they are for.

Laying down ground rules of what is expected in return from what we give comes from a place to control someone’s behaviour before it is known how that person is going to behave.

When there is a lot of respect between people, it does give us leverage to weather many storms, but sometimes the rope runs out, and the heart can take no more. The human spirit is quite resilient to what it can endure though, and somehow, we just dig deeper and find more to give, because we can see the potential for change for the better.

Gaining new perspective, tools, and strategies differently can help build better relationships with the people that come into our lives. Look at relationships as an opportunity to grow. Learn to be objective and realistic in finding peace and harmony with people.

Its best to lead with an open heart and give people the opportunity to be better, and if they are then not, teach them how to be better by being an example of that. Take time to understand how your relationships have led us to where we are now. The people in our lives are not there to serve our preconceptions of what we need, but rather to challenge what our needs really are.

Free will

People have free will to act as they want. It is through the consequences of their actions they grow. Interfering with other people’s paths can disrupt their learning lessons and deflect from ours.

We may be sent to help someone on their path, but it’s important to be aware when it’s time to leave them to grow. We are not there to influence the outcomes we think are best for them, so must be unattached to how they move forward. It’s not only important to learn to get out of our own way, but also recognise when we need to get out of the way of others so they may navigate their own paths.

Forming attachments

People don’t usually form attachments straight away, but it happens when they start to develop expectations after spending a lot of time with a person.

The attachment isn’t really to the person but more about how they feel about the experience they have when with that person, and the emotions the person brings up in them.

The attachment becomes a neediness as one fears losing the way a person makes them feel thus wanting fulfilment outside the self. We must look within as looking for it in others is a false perception of what we really need.

Attachment does lead to suffering because attachments are transient, so loss will be inevitable for a person. Relationships are more harmonious if we love them for who they are and what they become. It is not that we should detach from people and our experiences but rather recognise that we need to surrender to any preconceptions that do not allow us to experience the true self.

We need to appreciate and accept what we receive rather than trying to manipulate it. Trying to control outcomes causes anxiety, negative thoughts and unhealthy relationships. It’s also better to have goals in life without being attached to an outcome for the same reason.

Giving

Wisdom is knowing where to give and when it’s time to move on. Some people have the tendency to overreach in their help for others, and then expect something in return.

Make sure your motives of giving are pure of heart. It creates consequences when the giving was given with the intent of eventually receiving something back from the recipient. It says the giving was conditional, not sincere. If you’ve ever felt you owe someone by their good deeds towards you, it probably means you do, and will likely find out down the track this to be true.

Giving to others without expectation of anything in return creates good karma, and what comes back will likely come from another form that brings value to the life. It’s best not to view giving and receiving as point scoring.

Our words are the channel for our energy but not the focus of what we already carry. For this reason, words are not always required because it is just part of our being thus our presence can be enough to lift another.

Humility requires not talking about kindness towards others, but rather to just be the person that does it by the strength of their being, not their words.

Negativity

‘What you put out you get back’ isn’t always the case. We may attract people who are not positive even though we are not be projecting any negativity. Sometimes people just lack self awareness.

This also can happen if the inner reality doesn’t line up with the outer reality, so it causes mixed messages from one’s energy. It could be due to when a person may be changing their own behaviour and hasn’t fully aligned or integrated it yet.

We can draw people to us that don’t take responsibility for their own actions, and don’t treat people with respect, because we may have something to teach them or learn from them about ourselves we were not aware of.

Manipulative people

Manipulative people have a need to control their surroundings to feel safe. They often use their pain to get others to do what they want, so they feel in control of the situation.

This may hide in behaviours like a joke or they may make out they are trying to help someone with their advice. Therefore, many people don’t know they are being manipulated, because people are experts in using it in subtle ways to trick others.

Some use emotional manipulation to get people to do what they want, thus use other people and situations to justify that we should give them what they want. Others may try to rope us into giving them what they want by putting our hand up without asking, so to make us feel obligated in helping them. When they are confronted about their actions, they deny they meant anything by it or said they had questions they wanted answered.

Manipulative behaviour comes from people who believes they are entitled to what they want, and will go to whatever means to get it, as they are self-obsessed. Sometimes they will dish out ultimatums to try and gain a desired outcome they are happy with. They don’t know how to negotiate, so they do not own what they have contributed to the issue, or relationship dynamic.

Controlling People

Control hides subtly in behaviours like a joke or they may make out they are trying to help someone with their advice.

Many people do not know they are being controlled, because people who are experts at controlling, use it in subtle ways to trick others.

Sometimes a controlling person will dish out ultimatums, to try and gain a desired outcome they are happy with. They do not know how to negotiate, so they do not own what they have contributed to the issue, or relationship dynamic.

When one tries to force others to change rather than negotiate with them, people will either not play along, or they will agree yet hold resentment towards one for forcing them into a corner.

Its best to try and keep calm when a person behaves this way towards you. If possible, distance from them, and remain open to options for change later if they are in a better place to discuss things with you, rather than demand their terms.

Sometimes we cannot resolve issues with people, so we may need to move on from them. We do not need to be angry to part ways with people if we can’t resolve things. It is part of life for people to come and go, and there will always be something to learn from it.

Unconditional love

Society has been trying to sell the illusion of unconditional love for decades.

Love is real between human’s, but it is conditional. True love is universal love thus an infinite light which shines on everything, thus love, loves no other than itself.

No relationship is without conditions and rightly so, otherwise you would not have expectations that your partner does not have an affair with another person or meet the needs you feel should be met in a marriage, after all what are your vows other than promises and conditions.

If you were unconditional you would not have boundaries or state your needs and how you expect to be treated, thus you would accept how people behaved around you.

It is when one has unrealistic expectations and conditions that they must take responsibility for their own lives. Having realistic conditions in a relationship makes for a stronger and healthier relationship.

Boundaries

It’s important to create healthy boundaries in life, and not allow others to put pressure on us to do things that fulfil their desires.

Some people wear other people’s baggage in their attempts to help people. There are also people who give because they want to feel needed, thus don’t feel good about themselves.

Discerning is important, so we know where and when to give. The best way to help someone and not be drained, is to obtain more awareness about our own emotional health by understanding our own emotions and feelings. Set boundaries and limits, and don’t be afraid to say, I can’t help you right now.

Learn to centre yourself in stressful situations as it helps to ground you and filter out difficult emotions. Compassion helps to calm overwhelming emotions and feelings towards others and ourselves. Regular meditation will also help with this.

Many will adjust their boundaries depending on what they need. However, there are those who will over-reach and give in to pressure until they have the self-realization of their own needs. Some people may need to experiment with this to see where their boundaries lie.

Engage

People are often bombarded with what other people think they should do. Learn to do and be comfortable with doing what’s right for yourself no matter anyone’s rules, and projections.

If we want people to listen to other options or other ways of looking at things, its best to deliver our opinions as some food for thought, rather than talking at people.

I would advise people not to take on the projections of those who are hyped up from some new found knowledge, one size fits all ranting. We must remind people we have our own paths to follow, and to focus on their own.

End-cycling

Our thoughts can often be clouded by emotions so a person can often be confused about the best way forward. Any relationship has lessons for both parties.

People come in many shades thus we will see them differently as we get to know them, and what they allow us to see. Sometimes it just takes time to see a person for who they truly are, as our perceptions allows us to be open, and willing to see the truth rather than what we want to see.

Relationships where one’s values or path in life is too divergent from the other usually do not work in in the long term, thus both parties were put to together for specific lessons that had shorter use by date.

Sometimes people just need to move on, but humans have difficulty in end cycling so find reasons to be angry to leave instead, so they can justify ending the relationship, when things could have been much simpler.

If we are put in a position to compromise our values a lot to keep a relationship, then a decision must be made. People come and go from our lives as we evolve which is how it is supposed to happen. The truer we become to ourselves the less friends we make, because other often want us to be somebody else that fits in with their agenda or life.

Most of the issues people have in end-cycling relationships is their attachment to the past, thus not accepting the relationship has taken it course.

We can give people a safe place to be better, but we cannot control or change them. Even though they may recognize what they need to change, they may not succeed because their own inner conflicts are too great, which requires them to focus on themselves.

There are times in life we must get out of the way of ourselves and others, so we can get on with our own journey, and they can get on with theirs. Sometimes we must leave their lives, so they can have a better chance of moving forward, because they are not good for us, and we cannot help them.


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