Sensory processing issues

If you want to have a good experience with me please don’t ruin it by touching or hugging me.

I have always felt like I was dropped off on the wrong planet. It’s like living in a foreign country where no one speaks my language. When I was young, I used to think I must be adopted because I didn’t feel connected to my family. We rarely hugged each other in our family as it was just our natural way. I think my family were also autistic like me and they clearly didn’t like hugging either. I don’t like being touched most of the time and I do not like being hugged by strangers.

People often feel rejected when we don’t want to hug them, and I don’t shake hands either so that creates more issue for people as I ignore their stretched out hand. I think many people developed mental health issues during the pandemic lockdowns because of the physical distancing, whereas I thrive on physical distancing. I experience difficulty on public transport and will always try to get a seat on my own, so if the bus is too full, I will wait for another bus where I can physically distance from others. However, being disabled I can often sit in a disabled seat which is good.

Years ago, whenever I would go to parties, work gatherings, seasonal celebrations etc, and everyone was greeting with a hug I was always looking for my escape plan, and usually went to the toilet for a while until I was sure they got this over and done with by the time I emerged again. On New Year’s Eve I would disappear before midnight to avoid all the physical contact as I couldn’t deal with it, and the fact people had no boundaries just because it was new year’s eve. I don’t do festive celebrating and parties anymore.

Hugging for me is uncomfortable most of the time as I have trouble dealing with other people’s smells, perfumes, and body odour. The only person I let hug me is my husband and it’s because we have been together for decades. Even then there are times I don’t want to be touched because of sensory processing issues.

I know it can be hard for family and people close to an autistic person that doesn't like to be touched, because most neurotypical people feel they need touch to feel connected to others. I never really understood why people couldn’t feel close to others without touching when I feel all these things with distance between us. Coming to close to me close distracts me from the connection and takes away any closeness I might feel thus it has the opposite effect.

I like to eat on my own because I find it unsettling listening to other people chewing food, eating with their mouths open, clicking jaws you name it, so its best I eat on my own rather than sit there wanting to muzzle them. I also don’t like to talk when I’m eating, and a lot of people like to talk to you when you’re mouth is full, making me feel like I have to eat faster and swallow just to respond to them. I like to eat slowly and talking only unsettles my stomach and fuels anxiety so I then don’t enjoy my food.

I have a love hate relationship with clothing. I cut all the tags of most clothing and will mostly only wear 100% cotton and seamless undergarments, socks are a nightmare. I don’t have a huge variety of clothing. I find what works and have several of those garments, thus I pretty much where the same clothes everyday which I call my standards which only come in white, navy blue, grey, and black. Getting dressed for my parents when I was a child must have been hell, as I rejected most of the clothing and because of this I was often late out the door in the morning for school.

Then there is the lighting sensitivity issues. What works one day doesn’t work on another day so I must have lamps that I can adjust the temperature and dimming on them. Florescent lights and overhead lights are my enemies and I feel like they are attacking me. My husband has felt like he has been living in the dark for our whole married life. No wonder his office is lit up like a Christmas tree.

The tv drives me insane at times. The adds are louder than the program you’re watching and in streaming everything gets louder in the action scenes compared to the talking scene which usually frightens me because I’m not expecting it. Sometimes I mistake noises on the Tv for noises in my house or outside so start running around looking for the culprit when it’s the TV. Sensory processing issues are not fun.