Understanding ourselves

I'm different than autistic people I've spoken to and I have come to understand why.

Many autistic people have asked me a lot of questions implying they are interested in me when what many were really doing is trying to understand themselves. There is nothing wrong with questions if the person agrees but it is better to be upfront about the intent.

If I need a sounding board to understand something about myself rather than talk to myself, I will ask the person if I can do so and if they say no, I accept that. In the end this is a slow way to understanding ourselves because it is looking for answers outside of ourselves so is better used minimally. To know ourselves takes a lot of inner work and using our own inner wisdom for answers. It is the best way because we know ourselves better than anyone else.

Knowledge is not wisdom unless we are able to transform from it. All human beings are unique, and we all came here to discover our true selves, so I never thought there was a one size fits all autistic. If people go into their research with a tech book classic autistic approach to determine if they are autistic, they will get confused.

I did not do that or have this issue when I did my research about autism, which was a year before receiving my official level 2 autism diagnosis. I fitted the textbook mould as well as having my own unique way of presenting autistic. The clinician who assessed me said after the assessment was completed, they knew I was autisitc 10 mins into the assessment.

I did not relate to many autistic people and still do not apart from some common traits that most of us share. Why would I because people are speaking from their own lens of what they are experiencing. We are all human beings with our own personalities and we have evolved differently regardless of our neurotype.

If people keep comparing themselves to others or looking to find themselves in others, they will eventually lose the ability to find their true selves. I am not like most autistic people I have interacted with thus far and believe that is why because I look to my inner for understanding of who I am rather than other people.

I have spent my whole life thinking I was dropped off on the wrong planet and then I discovered I was autistic and thought that is why. However, when talking to other autistic people I still felt like I was dropped off on the wrong planet, because although we shared a diagnosis and some traits, I did not feel connected in the way I thought I would. Now I am fine with that because I understand why.

Being different is expected when we follow our hearts rather the projections, and prescriptions of people, family and society, thus I have evolved differently by not following others. It came with many consequences, but I was determined to be myself. From a young age I was interested in self-discovery, self-awareness and spirituality (non-religious) so I have done decades of inner work and my perspective on life has always been unconventional. I burned bridges with people who tried to change me into something they wanted or felt comfortable with which is why friendships often didn’t last long.

I am a free spirit although in another sense I do not feel free because of the complex trauma and anxiety I live with every day. It doesn’t matter how free spirited I am, I am never free of the crippling effect they have on my life. I wonder how my autism would be presenting without these added factors even though they are cam about for being autisitc. I developed chronic anxiety and complex trauma for repeated abuse for being autistic, so I may never know whose is really in the driving seat but I feel trapped by how anxiety and trauma affects my life.

I approach life in a non-conforming and unconventional way. Because of this I was conveniently labelled rebellious for wanting to live life on my own terms. Autistic people are not a one size fits all puppet on a string. Our brains do not tell people what journey or decisions we will take in life even though an autistic brain may look different than the so-called normal brain. The projection of normal is a mistaken belief. We need to reject the projection of neuronormativity as there is no right set of ways to cognitively behave, think or feel.

I do not think like many other autistic people and why should I? I believe that many autistic people who do talk like each other have not yet discovered who they are so they find a tribe that they think are a role model for autism. I do not subscribe to tribe consciousness but that is another story. There is no role model for autism. Just because a whole lot of people are following each other does not make them a poster for autism as we are individuals like anyone else. We are all a work in progress, it is all about discovery.

We are all here to discover who we are, and autistic people are doing that through their own autistic lens, that is the challenge but the lessons and learning will be different for everyone. Just because our brains present differently to neurotypical brains does not mean we are experiencing the same reality as each other, nor do we know what is going on in people’s heads, and I do not live my life trying to get into other people’s heads. We all have our own journey and choose how we evolve.

Autistic people are human and sometimes autistic people focus on everything that is different about them from other people as being an autistic trait, when it is often just part of diverse human traits that make every human unique, thus not related to autism. I do not compare myself to another autistic person as we are all unique, and it also applies to allistic people who are diverse on mas.

Autistic people tend to get more stereotyped than non-autistic people who seem to have much more rope to be different in society than autistic people without being given a label or viewed as having deficits. We would not generally say to a non-autistic person, 'you do not look neurotypical 'just because they are not like other neurotypical people we have met, so it does not make sense to say this to any human.

We could meet an autistic person that is so different from us that all we share is being autistic just like it would be for a neurotypical person that is diverse from one another. It does not mean if we meet another autistic person, we will get along with them or whether we will like each other. We get along with people we click with and who accept us for who we are no matter our neurotype.

For many of us all we will share is a diagnosis and maybe some similar traits which even then we will experience them differently and how they impact our lives. I am drawn to people who accept me for who I am. Their neurotype isn’t important, I see people as people not by their neurotype.