Defaulting to binary language

We still default to male and female because that’s how our brains have been trained to sort people for decades.

Even many non-binary, trans, and gender-diverse people notice themselves thinking in binary terms sometimes so it is more about habit, not belief. We often reach for gender when we try to remember a name, picture someone, or figure out where they fit socially. It’s just a quick way our brains learned to make sense of people. That doesn’t mean gender defines the person. It just means our thinking has been shaped to notice it first.

Curiosity about someone’s gender is not a need. It is an expectation we are not responsible for fulfilling so others feel comfortable. Words like spouse, they/them, and partner exist because they are enough. They describe people without assuming gender. Governments, courts, hospitals, and legal documents rely on and use these words every day. Neutral language is not incomplete. If people feel challenged by it, it reflects a habit not because there is anything wrong.

Most of us were unconsciously taught that gender is the first fact to get about someone. We were told it helps us categorise, imagine, or decide how to relate to someone when gender is often irrelevant. We are communicating with a person first, so gender only matters if they choose to make it matter. Using neutral language does not remove identity but rather resists defaulting to assumptions. It invites us to stop performing for the comfort of others and start paying attention to the person themselves.

Our brains may still notice people as male or female out of habit, but our words can reflect what we actually know. People come first; gender comes second. Using we, they/them, spouse, or other neutral terms is not avoidance. It is clarity and respect. We don’t need to guess someone’s gender to make others comfortable. Instead, we can focus on the person in front of us and use language that reflects who they are until they indicate otherwise.