Forgiveness

We do not have to forgive people to heal and in many situations people do not deserve forgiveness. The very thing that may be stopping people moving forward is trying to forgive what is unforgiveable.

Forgiveness means to pardon someone for their behaviour. When it comes to moving on from those who have wronged us, it is debateable whether we should forgive people. When someone asks for forgiveness, they are usually asking for us to forgive their behaviour, thus pardoning them.

There are many people on my journey in life who have been the cause of my complex trauma and anxiety, and I am at peace for not forgiving them. I do not think about them as such, but if it was not for them I wouldn't have general anxiety, social anxiety and complex trauma. I also believe that some people are not healing from their trauma because they are spending years trying to forgive people for badly wronging them, thus it is holding them back.

Some wrong doing's cannot be forgiven, so this may not ever be possible for a person who has had the core of their being traumatised. It is always a choice whether to forgive or not. Many people do not forgive people for horrific acts, but will choose to get on with their lives without forgiving them. To be told we wont heal without forgiveness is absurd. Finding peace is not a one size fits all forgiveness strategy.

Some seek revenge as a way of getting justice, but this is just a false sense of freedom. They may feel this approach somehow makes their own experience less painful. This is not real, because we must face our own issues, rather than try to heal through another person’s pain. It may make them feel better for a short time, but the upliftment will be temporary.

Some may try to rescue others in their attempt to heal and move forward, so they become an advocate for justice. Unfortunately, when one is still raw, their intent can be fuelled by anger, so they may project this onto others as being the source of their anger. For instance, they may advocate for bullying, yet demonstrate the same bullying tactics with the people they want to influence with their thinking.

In the end forgive or don't forgive but what ever the decision we must do the one that is right for ourselves, rather than the one size fits all projection of forgiveness is necessary. The very thing that may give us peace is not to forgive rather than tormenting ourselves we must forgive to move forward in life.

I wrote this article in march 2019, and recently I was pleasingly surprised to come across an interview with a well respected clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula on YouTube who had similar views to mine on forgiveness. I have linked the video in related articles at the bottom of this page. It is in reference to forgiving narcissists but the concept is there for forgiveness on a broad spectrum.