Partners with autism

This article is about romantic relationships between two autistic people, but it can and does apply to other relationships such as family and friendships with people who are also autistic.

People often assume that when it comes to a love relationship people will get on better with people who share similar traits to them, and that means the relationship will run much smoothly. Many autistic individuals believe this and find it often brings more challenges than it does with a non-autistic person.

When we share experiences in life it can build empathy and connection to the other person which is not necessarily the case when two autistic people share their own unique difficulties in life. However, being with a non-autistic partner can change the relationship dynamic and has the potential to bring more harmony to the relationship. Of course this will depend on the circumstances being right.

Communication is an important part of any relationship, and autistic individuals can have a lot of issues navigating this. It is not unusual for many autistic people to have their own unique style of communicating with others, thus they may like direct literal interaction because they have difficulty reading social cues, facial expressions, or body language. These differences can lead to more misunderstandings when both people are autistic.

When both communicate with each other, there may be a clash in how each person process and expresses their emotions, which could lead to breakdowns in the communication. One partner might be more focused on logic and facts while the other might start to experience sensory overload and social anxiety, which can lead them to withdraw or become non-verbal.

Because each partner might be unaware of their partners issues and needs, this can trigger more misunderstanding and escalate to more issues. However, when one partner is non-autistic, they may be able to communicate in a way that that helps bridge the gap. Non-autistic individuals are often more aware of the subtle social cues and may be more willing to be patient or understanding when issues come to hand which can help ease conflict or tension in communication when discussing thoughts and feelings.

Many autistic people experience strong sensory sensitivities to noise, lights, and smells which can create overwhelm in different environments outside their homes. When two autistic individuals are together, there may be both reacting to these issues and both become sensory overloaded. This may lead to more irritability, and stress while they are both trying to cope with their own sensory needs and unable to help one another.

On the other hand, a partner who is not autistic, is most likely not going to share the same sensitivities and can manage the situation in a way that supports both partners. They might be better able to sense when sensory overload is affecting their autistic partner and may take supportive steps like dimming lights, moving to a less noisy space, without becoming reactive themselves. This can create a more peaceful and less stressful situation for both parties.

It is common for autistic individuals to often thrive on routine and predictability. They will have their own ways of doing things like following a pattern in how they go about their routines or needing time on their own to regulate and recharge. When both partners have strong preferences for routine, conflicts may arise if their routines clash, leading to frustration and a sense of chaos and out of order for each, whereas a non-autistic person may be sensitive to this and more willing to work around it, as they may be much more flexible than an their autistic partner.

When a non-autistic and autistic person are in a relationship there is often more room for flexibility and compromise. The non-autistic may not be as inflexible when it comes to routine, and they can better adapt to their autistic partner's needs while still having some of theirs met in a more fluid way. This can create a space where both partners still feel supported even though they have different needs.

When it comes to empathy and expressing emotions, autistic individuals often express emotions in ways that differ from neurotypical people. Many autistic individuals experience alexithymia and have difficulty understanding or verbalising their emotions, or they might show their feelings through actions rather than words. This can be misunderstood and interpreted by other autistic individuals who also share challenges with expressing their emotions.

A non-autistic partner might have a better understanding of emotional cues, like the tone of someone’s voice, body language, or their facial expressions. Being aware of this can be helpful in interpreting the autistic partner’s needs and offering support for that. The non-autistic partner may be able to imitate emotional expressions in a way that makes it easier to understand, which can help the autistic individual learn to navigate and communicate their emotions more effectively.

Autistic people often experience a lot of challenges when it comes to socialising, which will affect their relationships with others. When both partners are autistic, they may struggle to get around these social situations as a couple when they may be attending social gatherings, interacting with friends or family, or trying to handle situations that require complex social understanding. This often leads to social isolation for many autistic individuals.

A non-autistic partner may be able to give a more practical perspective on social interactions and feel more comfortable in social gatherings and situations. They can offer support by helping navigate these situations, either by explaining these social norms or by softening the blow when the autistic partner is feeling overwhelmed.

Autistic people often need time alone to recharge after social or sensory triggering responses to stimuli. If both partners are autistic, they may find it hard to get their own needs met for solitude while keeping a connection with each other. However, a non-autistic partner might be more in tune to the need for personal space and might be better able to understand when their autistic partner requires time alone to recover. The non-autistic partner might also be more likely respect the need for solitude without feeling hurt or neglected.

In conclusion, it is possible for relationships between autistic individuals to be fulfilling but they may not always run smoothly because both share autistic traits. Their own unique challenges can create more stress and misunderstandings if not addressed effectively. However, a non-autistic partner may bring a fresh perspective that allows flexibility, communication, and empathy, often resulting in a relationship that is more adaptable to the varying needs of both individuals.

Of course, the success of any relationship, whether between two autistic individuals or between an autistic and non-autistic person, depends on mutual understanding, respect, and the willingness to navigate their differences together. By embracing these differences and finding ways to complement each other’s needs, couples can create strong, supportive relationships that thrive on acceptance and shared growth.