Being autistic

Autism is a difference, not a deficiency. Society often boxes it as a disorder because the world is designed with the belief that only neurotypical is normal.

Challenges are there because there is a conflict between individual ways of thinking and societal expectations. Understanding this distinction is the point because difference is natural, and the concept of normal is a myth.

Discovering I was autistic at 63, and officially diagnosed at 64 in 2022, helped explain patterns, creativity, and challenges in my life. Autism has shaped my work as a nurse, singer-songwriter, and life mentor, but it is not all I am.

I don’t follow social scripts, and I don’t believe personal stories should be taken as universal roadmaps or survival guides for others. I speak as an autistic person not for or against anyone. I invite you to turn inward, to meet your own thoughts and feelings, and to discover the clarity that already lives within you.

Difference is a gift when embraced honestly, not when filtered through societal expectations. By honouring our own perspectives while respecting others’ journeys, we can create a life that reflects our true nature. What matters is allowing others the space to discover and find acceptance in who they are.

Autistic people are not one size fits all autistic personalities. They are diverse individuals with different strengths, challenges, and personalities.

Universal all autistic people don’t exist and we should not stereotype them based on a shared diagnosis. Common traits associated with autism, including communication differences and sensory sensitivities, present differently. We need to keep reminding people it is a spectrum otherwise we are going to keep hearing things like, my friends sister is autistic, and you are nothing like them. Perhaps we should be responding with my friend’s sister is neurotypical and you are nothing like them so they can see how silly this sounds.

There are many posts on you tube with titles like, 20 autistic traits you didn’t know were autistic or unique ones you may not have known. Being autistic will shape how a person may see the world, but everything about them isn’t autistic as we are all human beings and more complex than that.

Self-discovery is not about how other autistic people present. Just because others may discover things themselves that have not been flagged as autistic traits does not mean they are universal traits for others to measure being autistic. They are likely unique to them and may have nothing to do with being autistic.

Many autistic people are taking on society’s projections just like neurotypicals are because they are trying to fit in too. Society dictates to everyone on how they should act, feel and be in life. Fitting in does not help people be themselves. We are not here to perform, but rather to discover who we really are and live a life that supports that.

We are all citizens of the world, yet selfishness and greed have made it harder to see that the world was made for everyone.

Life is about what we learn, experience, and understand, not the details of how we do things. When we make assumptions about where others are in life, we fail to see them for who they truly are. Embracing our shared humanity means showing compassion and not judging others. Autistic people often face stereotypes that are formed when they try to fit into neurotypical norms. We need to be careful not to project our own expectations on others, whether they are autistic or neurotypical.

Behaviour isn’t always neurotypical or neurodivergent as such, it’s also human. Both autistic and neurotypical people are diverse in their own neurotypes, and there’s no one size fits all model for either. When we stop measuring our differences, we can accept ourselves and others more fully. True connection happens when we accept people for who they are, regardless of their neurotype.

Autistic people often mask their traits to fit into a society that doesn’t accept difference.

Masking is mentally exhausting and damaging over time. Many aren't hiding because they don’t know themselves, they are hiding to be accepted. After diagnosis, it may seem like they have changed, but really, they are just showing who they have always been. Unmasking isn’t getting worse it’s becoming real.

It can be hard, especially when people don’t believe the change or accuse autistic individuals of being difficult but the cost of hiding is much higher. Being autistic isn’t the problem, the problem is being forced to hide autistic traits to make other people feel comfortable.

People make assumptions and assume speech is voluntary. If someone doesn’t talk, they interpret it as rudeness or defiance.

There is a lack of awareness about situational mutism and people are also unaware this is neurological and trauma related. Society heavily prioritises verbal communication, so anything outside that feels wrong to people thus other people’s perception of rudeness is a projection of neurotypical norms.

Things help like planning trips out of the home at off-peak hours to avoid crowds, noise, and confrontation if possible. Shopping at familiar stores and wearing noise cancelling earphones can help to regulate stress. Having a written script or a badge that explains, and using minimal gestures like nodding, pointing where speech can be avoided all help lower sensory input.

Others judgement of non-speaking as rudeness, antisocial or impoliteness are social norms so they should be ignored because it isn’t a flaw. Unfortunately, the world is somewhat hostile to the neurology of autism, and this is a very familiar experience of many autistic individuals when all they are doing is taking steps to manage sensory input thus nonspeaking, tinted glasses, headphones, which are essential for navigating a world that is often overwhelming.

Behaviour like this for an autistic person is adaptive not antisocial thus they are protecting their nervous system and managing trauma-related overwhelm. Some people will always ignore boundaries and it’s not our responsibility to educate or accommodate them. So, it best for an autistic individual to focus on what they can control thus their route, timing, sensory protection, and how to respond.

Autistic people often avoid stating their level of autism because they’ve been told it’s wrong, but it’s wrong to tell someone how to identify.

There is toxicity within the autistic community, where individuals shame or bully others for identifying in ways they don’t like. How a person chooses to identify is nobody else’s business. It’s troubling that there’s so much division, ableism, and separateness in the neurodivergent space. The same toxicity we’re trying to change from the non-autistic world seems to exist within the autisitc community.

Support needs aren’t defined by an autism level but understanding these levels can help identify challenges and support requirements. Levels do matter but they were never meant to define an autistic people, just offer insight into the type of support someone might need. Pretending a level 1 and 2 are the same is dismissive.

Society glorifies goal setting as the path to success but for many autistic people, this approach can be damaging.

Traditional methods push people to leave so called comfort zones but that may actually be where they are meant to be. Constantly striving and pushing can lead to burnout, overwhelm, and demand avoidance. Society uses a framework that doesn’t align with how autistic minds work. Autistic individuals process differently, and what motivates neurotypicals can create stress and trauma for autistic people. Long term goals often bring pressure and feelings of failure, especially when life’s unpredictability gets in the way.

Instead of focusing on long term goals, autistic people may benefit more from daily systems and gentle routines. Committing to small, meaningful practices without rigid timelines supports growth without triggering overwhelm. To do lists can also fail for those with demand avoidance. A flexible list of possible tasks without attachment to completing them all can be more supportive. Growth doesn’t require constant pushing because sometimes staying in a comfort zone is exactly what is needed.

It doesn't pay to over analyse our emotions.

Being autistic means emotional processing can still take time even if the feelings aren’t as intense as when we were young. Its good to not suppress emotions and allow space for them to settle before responding. Taking responsibility for meltdowns doesn’t mean denying pain. It means owning how the behaviour might affect others. If possible its good to warn people when a meltdown is coming and explain what to expect during one. That way, they know they are not in any danger.

Autistic sensitivity to sound is often misunderstood. It’s not that autistic people are too sensitive, they simply hear more. They often pick up noise's others do not hear, and it can be distressing when others dismiss it as being real. They are often told they focus too much on the smalls but what’s small to someone else might be important detail to an autistic person. This attention to detail is part of who they are, not a flaw. Dismissing their concerns as unimportant only adds to the emotional burden they already carry.

Many autistic individuals experience depression and anxiety, and it's important not to dismiss their struggles with platitudes like you are stronger than you think.

These phrases invalidate their experiences and self-awareness. Comparing one person’s mental health to another’s only further disregards the unique challenges each person faces. Toxic positivity, which suggests that a positive mindset can solve everything, is harmful and lacks understanding and compassion.

Autistic people often face higher rates of suicide, with the suicide rate being significantly higher than in the general population. Many also experience co-occurring mental health issues, making survival different from thriving. Each person’s experience of mental illness is different, and making assumptions about others struggles can cause more harm than good.

Quality of life means different things to different people. For some simply surviving may be enough, while others need a deeper sense of purpose to feel fulfilled. Clinicians also need to move away from neurotypical treatment methods, as they may not be effective for autistic individuals and can even be triggering.

Small talk is subjective, determined by personal beliefs and feelings rather than facts.

Many autistic people say they don’t like small talk but I believe many do enjoy chit-chat, especially when it’s about something that interests them. Conversations don’t need to be about big topics like world peace to be meaningful. Labelling casual chats as small talk can sometimes oversimplify things.

Just because a conversation lacks deep depth doesn’t mean it’s small talk or not interesting. If someone is speaking passionately about something we don’t connect with, that doesn’t make it meaningless. Some think asking deep personal questions is the same thing as meaningful conversation, but it isn't and often feels like they are trying to move the conversation away from themselves or they are just being nosey.

There are also people who thrive on shallow topics like gossip, looks, and material things. These conversations rarely go beyond the surface and are often one sided. Many people like to have light conversation so to have a break from life’s stress. However, those who are consistently shallow tend to focus on themselves, rarely engaging in meaningful ways when it matters.

Many autistic people have co-occurring conditions that are often seen before autism does, leaving them feeling something was missed. This can delay the discovery of autism, as symptoms often overlap.

Co-occurring conditions often blur the lines of diagnosis, with some people being misdiagnosed with conditions like depression or personality disorders due to clinicians not recognising the signs of autism. This is further complicated by clinicians being more trained in other areas and holding stereotype views of autism. Some autistic individuals are even misdiagnosed with OCD, as repetitive behaviors in autism are sometimes mistaken for it.

Living with multiple co-occurring conditions can be exhausting and confusing, as they often exacerbate each other. I believe self-awareness is the key as it can help clarify what's really happening. This is why self-diagnosis is important for many, as it helps individuals prepare for a formal assessment. Conditions like dyspraxia, alexithymia, and complex trauma are part of the autistic profile, not necessarily separate diagnoses. Many of these co-occurring conditions could stem from being autistic, making it difficult to separate them.