Being autistic

Autism is a difference, not a deficiency. Society often boxes it as a disorder because the world is designed with the belief that only neurotypical is normal.

Challenges are there because there is a conflict between individual ways of thinking and societal expectations. Understanding this distinction is the point because difference is natural, and the concept of normal is a myth.

For me, discovering and confirming I am autistic at 64 was validating. It explained patterns in my thinking, creativity, and perspective, but it didn’t define me. My lens on life is influenced by autism, experience, and resilience. It has guided my creativity as a writer, musician, and mentor, and helped others see life in new ways. Sensory and social challenges have become more intense, so I live a mostly quite reclusive life in solitude.

Being real comes at a cost. I’ve faced ridicule and abuse for being different yet embracing who i am has been empowering. I understand the struggles of others who mask or deny their difference, and I respect that each person’s journey toward self-recognition is their own. It’s not our place to label or judge others, what matters is allowing them the space for self-discovery.

The essence of succeeding as an autistic individual is self-awareness, connection and being real. Difference is a gift when embraced honestly, not when filtered through societal expectations. By honouring our own perspectives while respecting others’ journeys, we can create a life that reflects our true nature.

Self-recognition is the first step that proceeds self-realisation. Self-recognition is more about who we think we are whereas self-realisation is more about developing abilities to fulfil purpose in life. It is about uncovering our being beyond the personality and that’s what we are all here to do.

Autistic people are not a single walking autistic personalities. They are diverse individuals with different strengths, challenges, and personalities.

Universal all autistic people don’t exist and why it is important to remember all autistic people have their own unique personality, and we should not stereotype them based on a shared diagnosis.

Common traits associated with autism, including communication differences and sensory sensitivities, present differently in each person and why we need to keep reminding people it is a spectrum otherwise we are going to keep hearing things like, my friends’ sister is autistic, and you are nothing like them. Perhaps we should be responding with my friend’s sister is neurotypical and you are nothing like them so they can see how this sounds.

I see many posts on you tube with titles like 20 autistic traits you didn’t know were autistic or unique ones you may not have known. Yes, our neurodivergence shapes a lot how we see the world, but everything about us isn’t autistic as we are human beings and more complex than just that.

Self-discovery is about inner clarity and self-awareness not about how other autistic people present because that is outside us. Just because we discover some things about ourselves that others did not mention as being autistic doesn’t mean we then project those as autistic traits for others to look for.

I have not met or seen one autistic person like me. I have evolved as myself and have not measured being autistic by how other autistic people act or navigate life. Many autistic people are taking on society’s projections just like neurotypicals are because they are trying to fit in too. Society dictates to neurotypicals as well so they are also being sucked into how they should act, feel and be in life.

Fitting in isn’t helping us be ourselves. Giving into some fake mould so we can have a couple of fake friends following the same prescription is madness. We are not here to perform; we are here to discover who we really are and live a life that support us as the creative humans we all are no matter our neurotype.

We are all citizens of the world, yet selfishness and greed have made it harder to see that the world was made for everyone.

Life is about what we learn, experience, and understand, not the details of how we do things. When we make assumptions about where others are in life, we fail to see them for who they truly are. Embracing our shared humanity means showing compassion and not judging others. Autistic people often face stereotypes that are formed when they try to fit into neurotypical norms. We need to be careful not to project our own expectations on others, whether they are autistic or neurotypical.

Behaviour isn’t always neurotypical or neurodivergent as such, it’s human. If we stereotype non autistic people, we then become part of the problem we are trying to change. Constantly comparing ourselves to neurotypical people creates an illusion of who we are. Both autistic and neurotypical people are diverse in their own neurotypes, and there’s no one size fits all model for either. When we stop measuring our differences, we can accept ourselves and others more fully. True connection happens when we accept people for who they are, regardless of their neurotype.

Autistic people often mask their traits to fit into a society that doesn’t accept difference.

Masking is mentally exhausting and damaging over time. Many aren't hiding because they don’t know themselves, they are hiding to be accepted. After diagnosis, it may seem like they have changed, but really, they are just showing who they have always been. Unmasking isn’t getting worse it’s becoming real.

It can be hard, especially when people don’t believe the change or accuse autistic individuals of being difficult. But the cost of hiding is much higher. I’ve lost the energy to mask and live quietly now, mostly at home, protecting my peace. I'm unable to speak in overwhelming situations, not out of rudeness, but because it's what I need. Being autistic isn’t the problem, the problem is being forced to hide autistic traits to make other people feel comfortable.

Neurotypical people make assumptions and assume speech is voluntary. If someone doesn’t talk, they interpret it as rudeness or defiance.

There is a lack of awareness about situational mutism and people are also unaware this is neurological and trauma related. Society heavily prioritises verbal communication, so anything outside that feels wrong to people. We need to remind ourselves that other people’s perception of rudeness is a projection of neurotypical norms, not a judgment of our character and that our needs to protect ourselves are reasonable even if other people do not get it.

Things help like planning trips out of the home at off-peak hours to avoid crowds, noise, and confrontation if possible. Shopping at familiar stores and wearing noise cancelling earphones can help to regulate stress. Having a written script or a badge that explains, and using minimal gestures like nodding, pointing where speech can be avoided all help lower sensory input.

Others judgement of non-speaking as rudeness, antisocial or impoliteness are social norms so they should be ignored because it isn’t a flaw. Unfortunately, the world is somewhat hostile to the neurology of autism, and this is a very familiar experience of many autistic individuals when all they are doing is taking steps to manage sensory input thus nonspeaking, tinted glasses, headphones, which are essential for navigating a world that is often overwhelming.

Behaviour like this for an autistic person is adaptive not antisocial thus they are protecting their nervous system and managing trauma-related overwhelm. Some people will always ignore boundaries and it’s not our responsibility to educate or accommodate them. So, we are best to focus on what we can control thus our route, timing, sensory protection, and how we respond.

It’s common for autistic people to better understand their gender identity and sexuality after diagnosis.

For me, it explained a lot. I’ve always been non-gender conforming, but only later realised I’m non-binary. My choice to shave my head wasn’t about gender identity but about sensory freedom though it also felt like removing layers of masking. Autistic people often don’t fit into neat identity boxes and we shouldn’t have to as we are human first. I hope for a world where gender doesn’t define how we’re treated, and everyone is just accepted as they are.

Autistic people often avoid stating their level of autism because they’ve been told it’s wrong, but it’s wrong to tell someone how to identify.

There is toxicity within the autistic community, where individuals shame or bully others for identifying in ways they don’t like. How we choose to identify is nobody else’s business. It’s troubling that there’s so much division, ableism, and separateness in the neurodivergent space. The same toxicity we’re trying to change from the non-autistic world seems to exist within our own community.

Support needs aren’t defined by an autism level but understanding these levels can help identify challenges and support requirements. Levels do matter but they were never meant to define us, just offer insight into the type of support someone might need. Pretending a level 1 and 2 are the same is just wrong.

Society glorifies goal setting as the path to success but for many autistic people, this approach can be damaging.

Traditional methods push people to leave so called comfort zones but that may actually be where they are meant to be. Constantly striving and pushing ourselves can lead to burnout, overwhelm, and demand avoidance. Society uses a framework that doesn’t align with how autistic minds work. Autistic individuals process differently, and what motivates neurotypicals can create stress and trauma for autistic people. Long term goals often bring pressure and feelings of failure, especially when life’s unpredictability gets in the way.

Instead of focusing on long term goals, autistic people may benefit more from daily systems and gentle routines. Committing to small, meaningful practices without rigid timelines supports growth without triggering overwhelm. To do lists can also fail for those with demand avoidance. A flexible list of possible tasks without attachment to completing them all can be more supportive. Growth doesn’t require constant pushing because sometimes staying in our comfort zone is exactly where we are meant to be.

It doesn't pay to over analyse our emotions.

Being autistic means emotional processing can still take time even if the feelings aren’t as intense as when we were young. Its good to not suppress emotions and allow space for them to settle before responding. Taking responsibility for meltdowns doesn’t mean denying pain. It means owning how the behaviour might affect others. If possible try to warn people when a meltdown is coming and explain what to expect during one. That way, they know your not dangerous, just overwhelmed.

Autistic sensitivity to sound is often misunderstood. It’s not that autistic people are to sensitive, they simply hear more. They often pick up noise's others can’t, and it can be distressing when others dismiss that experience. We are also told we focus too much on the smalls but what’s small to someone else might be important detail to us. This attention to detail is part of who we are, not a flaw. Dismissing our concerns as unimportant only adds to the emotional burden we already carry.

Many autistic individuals experience depression and anxiety, and it's important not to dismiss their struggles with platitudes like you are stronger than you think.

These phrases invalidate their experiences and self-awareness. Comparing one person’s mental health to another’s only further disregards the unique challenges each person faces. Toxic positivity, which suggests that a positive mindset can solve everything, is harmful and lacks true compassion.

Autistic people often face higher rates of suicide, with the suicide rate being significantly higher than in the general population. Many also experience co-occurring mental health issues, making survival different from thriving. Each person’s experience of mental illness is unique, and assumptions about others’ struggles can cause more harm than good. Quality of life means different things to different people; for some, simply surviving may be enough, while others need a deeper sense of purpose to feel fulfilled.

Clinicians need to move away from neurotypical treatment methods, as they may not be effective for autistic individuals and can even be triggering. For some, like me, a sense of connection to humanity, even in a reclusive way, can be a source of strength and survival.

Small talk is subjective, determined by personal beliefs and feelings rather than facts.

Many autistic people say they don’t like small talk, and I’m one of them, but I believe many do enjoy chit-chat, especially when it’s about something that interests them. From my experience this seems true even if they wouldn’t call it small talk. Conversations don’t need to be about big topics like world peace to be meaningful. Labelling casual chats as small talk can oversimplify things.

Just because a conversation lacks deep depth doesn’t mean it’s not interesting. Sometimes, what seems trivial to us can be significant to someone else. And if someone is speaking passionately about something we don’t connect with, that doesn’t make it meaningless for them. Some think asking deep, personal questions are the same thing as meaningful conversation, but often it feels like they are just trying to move the conversation away from themselves or being nosey.

Then there are people who thrive on shallow topics like gossip, looks, and material things. These conversations rarely go beyond the surface and are often one sided. Many people like to have light conversation so to have a break from life’s stress. However, those who are consistently shallow tend to focus on themselves, rarely engaging in meaningful ways when it matters.

Many autistic people have co-occurring conditions that may be seen long before their autism does, leaving them feeling something was missing.

These conditions can delay the discovery of autism, as symptoms often overlap. For example, before my autism diagnosis, I lived with fibromyalgia, IBS, and anxiety, and assumed sensory and cognitive issues were linked to these conditions.

Co-occurring conditions often blur the lines of diagnosis, with some people being misdiagnosed with conditions like depression or personality disorders due to clinicians not recognising the signs of autism. This is further complicated by clinicians being more trained in other areas and holding stereotype views of autism. Some autistic individuals are even misdiagnosed with OCD, as repetitive behaviors in autism are sometimes mistaken for it.

Living with multiple co-occurring conditions can be exhausting and confusing, as they often exacerbate each other. I believe self-awareness is the key as it can help clarify what's really happening. This is why self-diagnosis is important for many, as it helps individuals prepare for a formal assessment. Conditions like dyspraxia, alexithymia, and complex trauma are part of the autistic profile, not necessarily separate diagnoses. Many of these co-occurring conditions could stem from being autistic, making it difficult to separate them.